by Jen Villaseñor, LMFT
Anyone who has been in therapy before, or who has at least watched a Hollywood interpretation of therapy, is probably familiar with the cliché things that therapists say- questions and phrases like, “How does that make you feel?” and, “It sounds like you need to set stronger boundaries” or, “Have you been practicing enough self-care?”
As we approach the end of the year and people across the nation gear up to navigate the holiday season, there will likely be an uptick in the frequency of phrases like these being used in therapy sessions. While being prompted to consider the effectiveness of your self-care or boundary-setting methods may feel trite, there are legitimate reasons to do so, especially when preparing to maneuver the holidays amidst eating disorder (ED) recovery. Read on to explore tips for supporting yourself between now and the New Year.
In all seriousness, you really do deserve to set appropriate boundaries this holiday season.
We tend to learn how to set (or not set) boundaries based on what is modeled for us at a young age. These learning experiences can be reinforced or shaped by the extent to which our boundaries are respected across our lifespan. When someone’s boundaries are consistently trampled, it can send the message that boundaries are not worth prioritizing. It can even lead to the internalized belief that one doesn’t deserve to set boundaries in the first place, and this may manifest in passive or people-pleasing behaviors. On the flip side, trampled boundaries can teach someone that it is easier to maintain an aggressive stance, or to simply become emotionally or physically isolated to avoid the risk of feeling overwhelmed by others. Behaviors such as people-pleasing, aggression, and isolation are generally not conducive to eating disorder recovery. Unfortunately, many people feel the pull toward their old social coping mechanisms when getting together with family for the holidays.
It is important to remember that you get to decide what boundaries you need and deserve to set.
However, you will need to communicate these boundaries clearly with your words and behaviors (an uncomfortable task for many people). This may look like, “Please do not comment on my weight/how much I’m eating/ what I’m wearing/ etc.” However, you ultimately cannot control other people’s behavior, and expressing a boundary- no matter how perfectly worded- does not mean it will be honored. Prior to seeking eating disorder recovery, having your boundaries crossed may have increased the likelihood that you turned to ED behaviors as a means for self-soothing or numbing out.
This year, you may want to prepare for holiday events by considering what action you will take if your boundary becomes crossed. Will you need to switch seats at the dinner table to gain a healthy physical distance? Will you need to leave the event altogether? Do you have some type of mantra or phrase to ground yourself, such as “this person’s behavior says more about them than it says about me”? Either way, consider how you will support yourself in the event that your needs are not respected.
Don’t fall into the trap of restrictive eating in preparation for a celebration that is centered around food.
While a lot of people in North American society have a hard time wrapping their heads around eating disorders, it is oddly common for ‘normal’ eaters to engage in extreme eating patterns around the holidays. Were you raised in a family that skipped meals prior to a large dinner celebration with the intention of over-eating late in the day? This can be an incredibly hard habit to break, especially given the common misconception that holiday food somewhat magically leads to weight gain (it doesn’t; our behaviors involving the food do). When you’re in eating disorder recovery it is particularly important to continue whatever approach to eating best supports you in maintaining that recovery, even on holidays.
For many people, the approach that works best is ‘intuitive eating’ which involves honoring one’s cravings, hunger, and fullness cues, and incorporating balance and variety with food groups. Eating normal meals and snacks throughout the day will reduce the risk of ED ‘slips’ that could lead to relapse, or restrictive behaviors that lead to excessive hunger and subsequent binges. As an added bonus, eating enough throughout the day can prevent that ‘hangry’ feeling, therefore supporting you in emotional regulation as you navigate the stressful components of holiday events.
Create a ‘cope-ahead’ plan.
We already discussed the importance of planning ahead for how you can respond to crossed boundaries during holiday events. However, it is valuable to create a more general ‘cope-ahead’ plan as well. This involves identifying triggers that you are likely to encounter and identifying specific actions you can take to support yourself.
Examples may include recruiting a trusted friend or family member to check in with you throughout the day, bringing a fidget toy to manage anxiety, or planning to take a short walk outside if the conversation topics become stressful. If you will be around a group of people that tends to avoid eating in preparation for holiday dinners, you may want to pack a snack and some water to get you through until it is time for the meal.
Many individuals navigating eating disorder recovery also struggle with body image, so the pressure of “dressing to impress” can be an overwhelming trigger. Part of a cope-ahead plan may involve setting time aside in advance of an event to identify an outfit that helps you feel both comfortable and confident. The value in picking clothes in advance is that you can choose a moment when you are more emotionally regulated and less likely to experience a spiral of negative body image thoughts while engaging with your reflection in a mirror. Having a plan for what to wear can also give you peace of mind that will reduce your stress levels on the day of the event, freeing up more mental and emotional energy to navigate unexpected triggers.
In early recovery, it is appropriate to prioritize your recovery above all else.
Most therapists do not generally encourage avoidance behaviors, as avoiding the things that bring us anxiety can often make that same anxiety worse in the long run. However, there is a difference between unhealthy avoidance and avoidance that is, at times, necessary to support stability. Sometimes, especially when someone is in the early stages of ED recovery, there is no amount of boundary-setting with family or detailed cope-ahead plans that can ensure that they will be able to maintain recovery behaviors. This may be a result of toxic family dynamics or someone simply being in a very new or fragile state of the recovery process. If you read the above suggestions and thought “There’s no way that setting boundaries or coping ahead for this holiday event will work,” you may need to consider whether it is healthy for you to attend this year. Of course, many people experience social pressure to attend holiday gatherings, and staying back is likely to come with its own set of challenges. It is important to weigh the pros and cons with a focus on identifying which options are most likely to support you in maintaining your mental health.
Not everyone’s struggle around the holidays is due to family or social stress. For some, it is loneliness.
Many people experience heightened depression, anxiety, and loneliness around the holidays due to feeling isolated. Maybe you live far from family and friends, are estranged from them, or your job does not provide you with adequate time off to connect with the people you care about. Or, perhaps you struggle with social anxiety or other mental health issues that have prevented you from forming deep connections with others. The holidays have a way of highlighting and amplifying loneliness in a way that may be slightly easier to ignore during other times of the year. If this is the case for you, try to consider the ways in which you can promote a sense of connection, comfort, and joy during the holiday season. What might this look like for you?
For some, volunteering can offer a way to feel connected to their community and holiday festivities. For others, this may involve treating themselves to a special item or going somewhere that sparks joy. There may also be free live or virtual recovery support groups that you can attend during this time. While many activities will not replace the feeling of being surrounded by loved ones, it is still worthwhile to make legitimate attempts to boost your mood. The goal isn’t to convince yourself that you are elated during the holidays; instead, the goal is to reduce the intensity of emotions such as depression or loneliness that can sidetrack recovery.
Conclusion
If you anticipate that stress from the holiday season will put you at risk of compromising recovery, it may be necessary to consider more formal supports that you can put into place. If you are not currently working with a team of eating disorder providers, this may be a good time to establish care. If you are already working with a therapist or team, reflect on whether or not your frequency of sessions is providing adequate support. If not, discuss that with your providers. It may also be beneficial to create a formal relapse prevention plan with a therapist, through which you’ll identify a more comprehensive list of triggers, and warning signs for relapse, as well as coping skills and strategies you can employ to maintain recovery.
Begin Eating Disorder Recovery in Los Angeles, CA
During the holiday season, it is easy to fall into the trap of prioritizing other people’s needs and wishes above your own. So, remind yourself regularly of why it is necessary to prioritize your recovery goals throughout this time. Our team of caring therapists is also happy to provide support from our Los Angeles-based practice and across the state. Follow these simple steps to start your therapy journey today:
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Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with our client care coordinator or call (415) 323- 6755.
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Connect with a caring therapist.
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Start making the most of the holiday season!
Other Services Offered By Kindful Body
At Kindful Body, we recognize that you may experience other issues in addition to eating disorder recovery. We draw from Internal Family Systems (IFS), Mindful Self-Compassion, Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory, Intuitive Eating, Health At Every Size®, and Body Trust in our body image therapy approach. We also offer trauma therapy and grief counseling. When you’re ready, we are here to help you with your eating disorder recovery. We also offer eating disorder treatment in Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland/Berkeley, Walnut Creek, San Mateo, Orange County, CA, or anywhere online in California. Learn more about us by checking out our blog and FAQs page!
